It's less than 12 hours before William and Kate are to be married, and eight blokes are gathered in a semicircle around a homemade tackling dummy. The rugby ball is kicked backward, through the legs of the players, toward the speedy backs at the back of the scrum.
"Winning," one forward barks out, telling his teammates that the ball is rolling in their direction. Another echoes. "Winning!"
A third does his best Charlie Sheen impression.
"Duh! Winning!" he said.
The Tucson Magpies rugby club is built around camaraderie and competition, but was founded on the ethos of the smart aleck.
When Dave Sitton and two friends formed the team 31 years ago, they named it after Heckle and Jeckle, their favorite cheeky cartoon bird characters.
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Ever since, win or lose, the team has been as much a men's club as a team of intense competitors.
The Magpies, after all, have an official post-game host pub.
"You just got out of a street fight," said match secretary Cody Dieffenbach. "Cheers to the guy you're playing against, and with."
Still, the team is serious about its sport.
And, this year, seriously good at it.
The Magpies, in the national playoffs for just the third time since 1988, can advance if they beat Redwood Empire from Santa Rosa, Calif., at home on Saturday.
If they can top either Budd Bay from Olympia, Wash., or the South Valley Sharks from Morgan Hill, Calif., on Sunday, the Magpies will get a higher seed in the Division III national playoffs.
Games start at 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. each day at Estevan Park, 1000 N. Main Ave., north of downtown.
Dieffenbach, 31, is a rugby player from central casting - 6 feet 6 inches and 265 pounds - with tufts of red hair exploding off his scalp and chin. He's an Idaho boy on a team with three Brits, a Kiwi, a Mexico native, Tucson locals and players from around the country.
The Magpies are doctors, lawyers, engineers, entrepreneurs. They range from 18 to 45 years old, and from Dieffenbach's size to that of Ben Grau.
Grau, 28, is 5-7 and 150 pounds.
"Size becomes my advantage," said the geophysics engineer. "Hit low, stay low."
It takes a nasty man to be a Magpie. Many I spoke to grew up pounding on - and getting pounded by - their brothers.
John Rouff, team president and captain, grew up doing everything with his five brothers, from band to judo to, eventually, rugby.
The Yuma native plays - and contributes $250 in dues - to relieve stress.
"All of us," he said, "are actually paying to do this."
A win would advance the team to Chula Vista, Calif., and, if it makes the Final Four, to Glendale, Colo.
To prepare for the matches, the team has eased off full-contact drills.
On Thursday, a coach interrupted while teammates were pushing against the tackling dummy and running plays.
"If the Budweiser isn't on," a coach interrupts, "don't just force it."
Words to live by?
Nah. Just a reference to their bigger players, so named because of their slightly larger guts.
"We all like to have a good time and have a couple beers after the game," Dieffenbach said, "but the first priority is winning."
The Finley five: Five things we'll be talking about this week
Derby!
1. Kentucky Derby day in Sonoita is one of Southern Arizona's coolest events. The Santa Cruz County Fairgrounds features live horse racing leading up to Saturday's Run for the Roses, which is aired live on a big screen in the grandstand. Tons of fun.
Track
2. The Pac-10 Men's and Women's Combined Events Championships, which run Friday and Saturday, feature the league's best heptathletes and decathletes. Oregon heptathlete Brianne Theisen is a five-time NCAA champion and defending Pac-10 titlist.
Seattle's best
3. The No. 7 Wildcats - who finished second at the Pac-10 women's golf championships two weeks ago - start the NCAA West Regional Championships on Thursday in Seattle. The top eight teams advance to the NCAA championships.
D-backs
4. The Arizona Diamondbacks figure to learn a lot about their National League West chances starting Tuesday against Colorado. After playing just six West teams so far this season, the D-backs begin a stretch of 14 straight games against division foes.
Rematch
5. The timing might be terrible, but the scuffling Arizona Wildcats travel to Westwood for a three-game softball series at UCLA starting Friday. The Bruins won both games against the UA in the finals of last year's Women's College World Series.
