There's a knock at the door. It's a strange man in dirty clothes with a 3-day-old beard.
"I just want to tell you today is my last day," the man said.
"Of what?"
"Of being your gardener."
"We have a gardener?"
"Until spring. I'll be back in April to turn your sprinklers on again. I'm shutting them off today, and blowing out your pipes because the freeze is coming."
"Who is it, honey?" my husband calls from the family room.
"Our gardener."
"We have a gardener?"
"You sure you have the right house?" I say to the man. "I mean, we've been paying a monthly gardener, and I occasionally see someone blow by with a lawn mower, but . . . have we ever met?"
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"I left that card in your mailbox and you called," he reminded me.
"Right."
"We try not to be too intrusive."
"You're doing your job there."
"But you would have known you didn't have a gardener when your pipes exploded like a herd of burrito-eating buffalo — if we didn't blow them out, that is."
"I see."
Apart from the fact that the yard's not exploding, you can't tell we have gardeners. Sure, once in a while the grass is shorter, but a hungry goat could do that. Still we pay every month because that's what you do if you're yard-work impaired and your own kids overcharge for their services.
Now I'm not singling out this guy. Every gardener we've ever hired started with big promises of lawn care, weeding, fertilizing, pruning and planter tending. Then their service quickly degenerated into mow, blow and go. I occasionally see their rake-filled truck. (The rakes are props.) A couple workers hop out, make sounds with their blowers that separate skin from skeleton, and put a bill in your mailbox.
If you're fast enough, you can sometimes catch them. The other day, for instance, I was fed up with the maple tree that had grown over our driveway. It reminded me of the Whomping Willow from the Harry Potter series. I knew it was about to snatch up my car and hurl it into oblivion. So that week, I lay in wait. I saw the rake-filled truck, then noticed a couple guys eating lunch in my yard. "Hey," I said, "could you prune that tree blocking my driveway?"
Silence. You'd think I'd asked them to hand over their beer supply and walk on hot coals. Then one finally said, "Our boss told us not to prune in case the customers don't like it."
"What I don't like is the car-eating tree in my driveway."
More silence. You could have heard the grass grow.
Before they left, one guy, holding what looked like an electric swordfish, buzzed the tree, which now looks like a big P, shaved up one side, puffy on the other.
Although gardening dissatisfaction is widespread, it says right there in the National Enquirer, people are amazingly loyal. My parents, for instance, have used the same gardening service for 35 years. At first Vince did an OK job, though my parents complained about him. Then he died. His son took over, and the yard went from looking benignly neglected to abandoned. But my parents won't change services because they don't want to offend Vince. People are strange that way.
And I'll probably use our same guys next year. But before they fire up the sprinklers, I'm taking the advice of Joanne Kostecky, president of the American Nursery and Landscape Association. I called Kostecky, also a landscape designer in Allentown, Penn., and asked how people like me can get a better shake from their gardeners. As usual, I learned that most of the problem is my fault. Here's what I didn't know:
● There are three tiers of garden professionals. Landscapers design and create outdoor spaces. Gardeners maintain planter beds and keep the yard looking cared for. Lawn maintenance folks do lawns. Turns out, I need a lawn-care service and a gardener. Though lawn-care companies will say they do it all, few really do. Bluntly put, lawn-care companies aren't good in beds.
● When interviewing gardeners, ask how they prune. If they use electric sheers, move on. Find someone who uses non-powered hand clippers.
● Don't wait for the spring thaw to hire. Interview in winter, when landscape companies are slow and negotiable. Make your needs clear and outline them in a written agreement.
● Pay by the hour. Monthly lawn services make money by getting as many clients as they can, then moving through their yards fast. Kostecky suggested that I ask my lawn guy what he would charge by the hour to just maintain the lawn – aerate, mow, fertilize (lawn only) and manage the sprinklers. Then use the remainder to pay an hourly gardener to maintain the rest. Depending on where you live, a good gardener may cost between $25 and $40 an hour. Lawn service should be less. When I divided my monthly payment ($170) by the hours the crew is here (four a month max), I saw I was spending more than $40 an hour. No wonder I'm cranky.