The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:
“This Tuesday, August 2nd join my crusade to hunt down ALL RINOs and to end medicare, sex education and socialist security! To opt out: STOP2END.”
Replying STOP2END didn’t slow the flood of loony texts.
“Like Trump I’ll fight to secure our border, pursue the pedophiles, put an end to low-flush toilets, cancer causing windmills, Critical Race Theory and THE WAR on Christmas. OPT OUT now if you HATE Ameri-”
Before I could OPT OUT a new message appeared.
“My Q-ANON sisters and brothers, show courage by showing up at the polls on Tuesday to vote for ME—in spite of the very real risk of ALIEN ABDUCTION by CANNIBALS-”
I skipped over the next 327 texts.
People are also reading…
“I will restore LAW & ORDER to ARIZONA by leading a CITIZEN’S ARMY down to OUR border on November 3rd just like the mob of PATRIOTS I led up to our Nation’s Capitol on January 6th. Reply DEEP STATE ELITIST to opt out.”
My phone was possessed. Are they all insane?
“UNLIKE the RINOS I will ban gay marriage, interracial marriage, dancing, AND contraceptives! The only marriage I will endorse is between a Christian Nationalist and his billionaire donors! VOTE FOR GOD and COUNTRY!”
Yikes.
“EVERY ANGLO SAXON militia across ARIZONA has endorsed me in this race because I have the backs of ALL law enforcement except for those TREASONOUS Capitol Hill cops working for ANTIFA on January 6th. VOTE TUESDAY or I will BEAR SPRAY YOU.”
Get in line. Another candidate pleaded his case.
“Vote for Arizona’s tried and true conservative. It’s true! I’ve been tried in front of a jury for sedition-”
Delete.
“FACT: The TRAITOR PENCE was made by CHINESE geneticists who injected a weasel fetus with Ted Knight’s DNA! The LEFT has weaponized the phony January 6th riot against us! When voter suppression and gerrymandering just isn’t enough to insure a Trump win VOTE FOR ME and I’ll fix-”
Delete.
“VOTE for me this Tuesday. If you’ve had it with Chinese bamboo ballots, jews shooting space lasers at us and George Soros’ cancer causing wind farms vote for ME, the candidate backed by Cyber Ninjas for Election Integrity-”
No, thanks. I scrolled on, deep into Arizona’s Twilight Zone.
“I’ll defund Planned Parenthood, Obamacare, & the Department of SEXUAL EDUCATION! I’ll expand school choice, seal the border, & ban ballot and fetal tissue harvesting! I’ll bring Arizona’s CONSERVATIVE VALUES to our STATE capital on NOV 2nd in 2022 just like I brought my CONSERVATIVE VALUES and assorted explosives to our NATION’s capital on January 6th in 2021.”
I forwarded that text to the FBI as more candidates made their cases.
“Here’s what we see in OUR SAVE ARIZONA campaign database: Number of contributions from you: ZERO! Maybe you’ve already donated. Maybe you’ve barricaded yourself inside your home and thrown your phone in the aquarium. But with armies of woke liberals and caravans of brown people coming HERE we have to ask you to contribute MORE-”
The barrage of bombast and begging was relentless.
“This Trump endorsed outsider is the only Arizona candidate endorsed by Rudy Giuliani, Steve Bannon and THE PROPHETIC PILLOW GUY. Vote for me this Tuesday or my fellow OATH-KEEPERS will ring your doorbell, break your windows and crush you in your doorway before you can-”
Edgy. I scrolled on.
“Don’t let the lame stream media distract you with their anti-gun hysteria, their COVID HOAX, their Climate Change FAKE NEWS — NOT when pedophiles are grooming our kids right here in Arizona to change genders, commit voter fraud and get abortions! Donald Trump and I are asking you to SAVE ARIZONA by voting THIS TUESDAY IN this ELECTION which will be RIGGED by-”
Next.
“We are so close to winning! Please make a $1 donation now. It would mean the world to me to know you actually BUY my TOTAL BS. Vote for me, the only CREEP endorsed by TOTAL lunatics and sideshow freaks. Text 666 for more info.”
What?
“My campaign apologizes for that last text sent by our FORMER digital outreach campaign manager. Her harassment allegations against me are FAKE NEWS. Everyone knows I am a strong Christian family man! Please make a donation today to help cover the enormous costs of fighting these frivolous defamation and sexual harassment lawsuits! How did I know she was 12? I LOVE my wife, my kids and our dog, Ezekiel!“
I’m sure you do.
“I am endorsed by the Christian Nationalist Cyber Ninjas of Zion and I am ready to fight for you against the legions of transgender Mexican rapists and WOKE drag queens destroying our country! Can I count on your vote on Tuesday, August 2nd? GOD BLESS ARIZONA. To opt out reply STOP2END.”
Yes, you can count on me voting on Tuesday. 2END your campaign. GOD save ARIZONA.
