Slow-motion running in red swimsuits may be the only thing “Baywatch” got right about the television series.
Oh, sure, there are cameos by two of the most important regulars, but this is such a snooze it’s amazing someone like Dwayne Johnson would want to do it. With several good comedy credits on his resume, he should have realized the script wasn’t quite what a big-screen reboot needed.
Much like Dax Shepard’s “CHiPS,” this “Baywatch” isn’t sure whether it should go for the laughs or try and duplicate the 1990s series’ vibe.
Hovering somewhere in the middle, director Seth Gordon gets little drama or comedy.
Johnson plays the lifeguard leader, a hulking sort who takes his job seriously, even though local law enforcement officials don’t. To help boost the Baywatch brand, the team’s superior (played by Rob Huebel) insists he hire a two-time Olympic gold medalist (Zac Efron). Unfortunately, the swimmer doesn’t really know much about saving lives and had a little Lochte problem when he was competing.
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Known for his ability to party (and vomit in the pool), Efron’s Matt Brody (get the “Jaws” mash-up?) realizes he has to prove himself in order to romp on the beach.
Quickly, Johnson’s Mitch Buchannon assembles his team and discovers drugs on the Emerald Bay shore.
He has ideas about who’s responsible, but he needs a little intel first. That prompts the team to go not-so-undercover and suss out the brains behind the business.
Priyanka Chopra (in more evening gowns than a beauty contestant) emerges as the woman most likely. She owns plenty of bayside property and wouldn’t mind extending her reach. The community has some crooked politicians, too, and a club that looks more than suspicious.
Because the team includes a tech nerd (played by Jon Bass), there’s ample opportunity to cut to the chase.
Unfortunately, Gordon checks off boxes in order to cruise in the television “Baywatch” shores. That slows things down and totally misses the humor that could gush from something like this.
Relying a lot on below-the-belt laughs, he barely gets titters from the jokes that get in the way of the feeble action.
Johnson and Efron have been funny in other films, but they’re leaden here – as much fun to talk to as an athlete who hasn’t cultivated outside interests. The women – Alexandra Daddario and Kelly Rohrbach – are much more interesting, but aren’t given much to do except model swimsuits.
Much is made of the names Johnson calls Efron (mostly boy-band related) but they’re not all that funny. Indeed, this trick was used to better effect in other reboots and it fails to land here. “Baywatch” leaves a couple of its own plots hanging, too, and forgets to explain how the other members of the team won spots.
“Baywatch” might offer plenty of visual treats, but it’s barren when it comes to substance. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, this, um, thing shows up. Steer clear.
