My ex and I are still friendly. We have a mutual dog that lives with her, but I cover the vet bills. Recently, the poor little thing got a bacterial infection and was at death’s door. My ex called crying and, of course, I offered to take care of the treatment (anywhere from three to six weeks of daily shots at $44 a pop). No, it didn’t thrill me, and it won’t kill me — it’s something I feel that I need to do because of our history.
Dr. Barton Goldsmith
My ex and I don’t socialize, and we seldom see one another, but there will always be a connection. I believe that when you truly love someone, even if you can’t live together, the love does remain in some ways. Yes, we both have resentments and our own life issues, but there is a place where we are able to work together — and saving the little doggie’s life is one of those.
I suppose I could cop an attitude, but it wouldn’t be honest or right. The truth is I care for the people in my life. Even if they have done me wrong, I am good at forgiving and believe in moving forward. When someone I love is in need of help, I can’t turn my back on them — and in this case with my ex, it’s about a little life that is only a positive in both of our lives, and which I do cherish.
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Now you may be wondering why my ex can’t take care of her own dog, and it’s a fair question. I don’t want to overshare here, but the woman has been battling cancer for a decade, and that little dog is keeping her going. So maybe two lives, not one, will benefit from my foregoing some concert tickets to pay the vet bills. I will get a thank you, and I don’t need or expect anything else.
If you and your ex have children together, you probably interact a lot more often than I do with my ex. It’s in your best interest (as well as the kids’) to do what you can to have a convivial relationship. I know that resentments can go very deep, but there are bigger issues in play, and you need to let go of those wounded feelings so you can get on with your life. Your children will see that you are a caring and reasonable person, which will garner their respect.
Whether you are doing it for the kids or for yourself, choosing to maintain a relationship with your ex is something your new partner will need to accept, if not necessarily embrace. This is a part of who you are today, and it’s important to be up-front about it when getting to know someone new. Unfortunately, insecurity can sometimes prevent people from seeing that their other half is actually being a good person and parent by not wanting to run their ex into the ground.
Maintaining good relations with someone we once loved and lived with is a humane way to interact. It’s easy enough to do. The key is to treat each other with common courtesy and caring.
Dr. Barton Goldsmith, an award-winning Los Angeles-based psychotherapist, writer and keynote speaker, can be reached via e-mail at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com.
