Dear Amy: My fiancé and I are trying to decide if we have to invite the “significant other” of one of his groomsmen to our wedding next summer.
The groomsman, “Mark,” recently got back together with his ex. All of Mark’s friends despise her.
During their two-year relationship she was emotionally, and at times physically, abusive toward Mark. She isolated him from his friendships.
When they broke up we were relieved to see him acting like himself again.
During the year they were broken up, my fiancé and I got engaged and asked him to be a groomsman. When Mark brought her out after getting back together, she didn’t say congratulations or acknowledge our engagement.
We are trying to be pleasant toward her, but I am always frustrated and upset after we interact. I have no desire to be anywhere near this girl on my wedding day.
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As the significant other of a groomsman, she would have close access to us and the wedding party (showers, rehearsal dinner, etc.), and she is not someone we want to share these one-time special events with.
However, not inviting her could seriously damage our relationship with Mark and with them as a couple in the future .
Running out the clock and hoping they break up before then does not seem like a great solution.
What do we do?
— Bewildered Bride
Dear Bride: Unfortunately, because this person has a history of cutting “Mark” off from his friends, almost any response on your part could affect your friendship and isolate him.
This is one tragic aspect of having someone in your life who is enmeshed in an abusive relationship: to a certain extent, loved ones must find a way to tolerate the intolerable in order to maintain contact with the abused party.
You could pointedly not invite her, but then Mark would likely bow out, also. And, if she is the manipulative, isolating and abusive partner you claim she is, your friendship with Mark might end.
Another option would be to basically demote Mark from official groomsman to honored guest. This way he could bring her to the wedding, but she wouldn’t be in your face during all of the ancillary wedding events. This would also impact your friendship with him.
I actually think that running out the clock is wisest because this gives you time to see if the dynamic might improve. You can exercise a nuclear option later. Continue in your active friendship. Having close friendships is the best thing for him, and it might inspire him to finally leave his abuser.
Dear Amy: I’ve been friends with “Myrtle” for nearly 20 years. She used to work for me.
I’m a very strong, independent woman. I’ve never needed many friends (I’ve been married to my best friend for 37 years).
Myrtle has always been a drama queen. She demands a lot of attention. She is exhausting.
My therapist has walked me through my feelings and I’m now very clear that being with her is unhealthy for me. I tried to back out slowly, but then she created drama over nothing again, exploding, and then coming back and apologizing.
I feel like I am forced to just shut up so we can all be “friends.” Help!
— Too Old for Drama
Dear Too Old: There is a simple solution: Don’t engage. At all.
When “Myrtle” confronts you (she will), tell her, “Our friendship has run its course.” If she apologizes for her actions, accept her apology, but don’t communicate with her further.
