Let your child solve his own play problems

He has always enjoyed hanging with older kids, like first- and second-graders. The other day my son mentioned the other kids jumped on him while playing dodgeball and it hurt his feelings. He has never said anything before about his feelings getting hurt.

Yesterday, I watched from the window of the day care before going outside to get him. He got hit with the ball so he was out, but he didn’t step out of the group. Another kid said to him, “You’re out” but my son didn’t say anything and just stayed where he was. The kid said, “You’re so annoying, Alex, get out!” I am trying my best not to make a big deal about it, but it’s tough. He loves going to day care because he enjoys his friends. I am concerned that maybe they don’t like him anymore. Would this mean he is not being liked? How should I also handle this? I think it’s bothering me more than it is my son.

A. Ideally you, even though you recognize it bothers you the most, will not interfere. If your son says his feelings were hurt, tell him you are sorry he is hurt but this happens sometimes when kids are playing. Don’t show you are upset even if you are. Acting as if the incident is no big deal helps the child in two ways. His “failing” is not bothering Mommy and this is how grownups deal with such stuff. “No big deal” and “Let it be” are the best ways to handle most minor tangles between people, so teach this lesson early.

You might, even if it’s a fib, say the first time you played dodgeball you didn’t know you had to step off the field when you got hit, ha-ha it was funny. Any time you can tell your child you know how he feels because the same thing happened when you were little, your child learns about survival. Mommy felt bad when she was teased but she’s a happy grownup now, hmm life’s not so bad.

Playing with older kids may be part of the problem, so talk with the day-care teacher about encouraging other groupings at least some of the time. Playing with older children increases skills and vocabulary. Playing with younger children gives the opportunity to learn tolerance and how to be a gentle leader. So participating in a variety of play groups can be a real positive.

It’s wise to let your child solve his own play problems as kids learn best from each other. When we step in with a solution, we give the message that we don’t think the child is smart enough or grown up enough to do it by himself. That may cause him to feel as bad as being teased on the dodgeball field.

I well remember how hard it is to watch your own child being teased by other kids. Our first impulse is to make it better. As a matter of fact, all through life when we see a loved one or friend in pain we want to fix it. That’s why we give each other so much advice. But what a person in pain really wants is not to be told what to do — advice can wait — but be told you understand and you are sorry he is in pain. You can even add you wish you had a magic wand to make the pain go away. This empathic response works from birth to age 100. It works for your child, parent, spouse or friend.

Your child is well-liked and he enjoys school. Let him deal with the bumps in the road; it’s a learning experience.

Moral to this tale: There will be many such bumps ahead for your child. All parents want to protect their child’s feelings from being hurt. However, in most instances the best “immunization” to this kind of psychic pain is to let the child figure out what to do on his own.