I recently turned 90 and took time to look back over my life. My early childhood was like an idyllic ’50s sitcom, until it wasn’t. My parents went through a bitter divorce, with my custody as the trophy to be won. I still hear the judge’s emotionless voice asking me which parent I wanted to live with. I loved them both. I didn’t want to make a choice. The judge became impatient, and I answered, “My mother.”
Mother hugged me, and Dad said she had poisoned my mind. They both remarried but kept their war going through me. I wore myself out trying to be a peacemaker. Harmful coping mechanisms developed that would later haunt me. Finally, Dad tried to get me to come live with him. When I said no, he began the long, painful process of disowning me.
In the middle of this joyless life, I came to faith in Christ. As I became involved in the church, I found a family. During a prayer meeting, I poured out my troubled story to the pastor. After a time of prayer, he said God had given him a verse for me: Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” Little did I know that would become my life verse.
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“Be still” sounds so easy. The problem is that in stillness, fears and insecurities come out of the dark corners. That is where knowing God comes in. I learned that Biblical knowledge is not just the accumulation of facts. It’s developing a closer relationship with someone. In the Bible, that is a grace relationship with God. I like Dallas Willard’s definition of grace: “God doing for us what we can’t do for ourselves.” That is certainly true in coming to faith. God reveals we don’t have to earn his acceptance or salvation; in fact, we can’t. We just need to admit our negative spiritual state and accept the gift of Salvation Christ purchased on the cross.
I discovered that grace doesn’t end there. I learned I needed to grow in grace — that is, grow in the amount of God working in my life. Grace taught me how much God loves me. It began to destroy hurtful thought patterns and revealed how God leads step by step. God called me into the ministry and gave me a wonderful wife who was stable in her trust in God. Together we grew in the knowledge of Colossians 1:19 “all the riches of God are found in Christ.”
We found those riches in many places. In our marriage, we discovered the riches of his patience as my harmful coping mechanisms showed up. The riches of his wisdom were revealed when our gifted daughter was born, and then we adopted a son who was hyperactive. Our mistakes in parenting those polar opposites challenged us to lean on God. We learned that the riches of trust can light dark places. Our first child was born dead. We were faithfully serving in a church, and this was his gift to us? Gently God comforted us and washed away our bitterness. We realized this experience was a gift. Life is full of dark moments, and now we could more effectively comfort others with the comfort which God gave us. Some think the Christian life is a Disneyland where everything is happy. But it is not. It is a place where we grow as a person, discover the warmth of God’s presence, and help those in the midst of suffering.
So, what have I learned in these 90 years? The many humbling cards and greetings I received on my birthday showed God’s faithfulness. God has given me many good friends and made my life a positive impact in innumerous situations. But more than that, God has taught me the truth of Romans 8:28 KJV, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” No, he does not make all things good, but he does weave all things together for good. A tapestry needs darker tones to make the pattern stand out. Even now, I can see this is true. And someday, God will turn the tapestry of my life over and fully reveal the beautiful picture he has made.
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