The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:
As Sour Frank approached the cafe, Rosa stood in the doorway, pointing to a sign above her head.
“No firearms in Carlos’ cafe, Frank. Your AR-15 included.”
“I have the right to ...”
“Let me guess. Protect our way of life?” She folded her arms. “Some way of life, amigo. We’re a nation of guns, governed by fear.” Frank rolled his eyes and muttered.
It was on. “So the freedom of you and a small group of people to possess that stupid combat weapon is worth all of us losing our freedom to go to a parade, go to church, shop at a mall, go to a movie or send our little ones off to school without being afraid?”
“I carry this to protect us from criminals, Rosa. And to protect our country from crazies plotting to take it over.”
People are also reading…
Lurlene joined in. “Like your pals who plotted to take it over on January 6th?” Lurlene asked Frank if he knew how many times assault weapons had been used “by so-called patriots” to defend our way of life.
The diner fell silent.
“Zero. How many times have assault weapons been used to slaughter thousands of Americans?” My coffee grew as cold as the chill between old friends. Outnumbered, Frank stowed the gun in his truck. He returned, bowed his head over his order of three sides of bacon and prayed aloud. “Tucker is my shepherd, I shall not want fake news. He restoreth my country. Even though I walk through the valley of Hillary I will fear no Democrat.” Frank winked at Lurlene. “For Donald Trump, whose election was stolen, art with me. My AR-15 and our coming victory in the midterms, they comfort me. Amen.”
I noticed Frank’s “It’s not a choice, it’s a child” button at the same time Frank noticed Lurlene’s “I support Planned Parenthood” button. Frank was not going to leave it alone. ”Say what you will about the 10-year old rape victim who crossed state lines to get an abortion, Lurlene, at least she won’t have to put up with some woke teacher taking her away from shooter lockdown drills just to shove critical race theory down her throat.”
Lurlene exploded. “Like the Supreme Court Ayatollahs who shoved their religious belief about when life begins down our throats?!“
“It’s in the Bible,” asserted Frank. “Thou shalt not kill. Babies.”
“Where’s that? Two Corinthians? Ancient Biblical tradition holds that life begins when the first breath is drawn from creation. Your religion isn’t the state religion, Frank. Not yet.”
Rosa interrupted our theological bickering with a question. “Is it legal for a woman to drive across state lines to get an abortion?”
Lurlene scowled. “Better do it while it’s still legal for a woman to drive.”
Frank pushed his plate aside. “Make jokes all you want, Lurlene, but some of us respect the sanctity of life.”
Lurlene rolled her eyes. “How can someone like you who worships guns used to slaughter people lecture any of us about the ‘sanctity of life’. What about the sanctity of my womb? Thanks to you, the uterus of every woman in this cafe, this town and this state is now the property of the state!”
“You’re hysterical. Just what I’d expect from the crew still shaking in their boots over the COVID hoax.”
“Your ‘hoax’ killed friends of ours. And another thing, if you dare to whine one more time about a mask infringing on your precious right to control your body I’m going to …“
Carlos clanged two pans together. “Lurlene! Frank!”
“What?! Thanks to this self-righteous blowhard every woman in here is now a second-class citizen! With less rights! I’m waiting for the great Midwest and half of rural Arizona to secede, form a union, name itself Gilead and declare Frank their King.“
Frank responded with the familiar talking points. Chaos at the border. Woke politics. Biden’s economy. I responded with the Jan. 6th committee’s findings and the CNBC survey calling Arizona the worst state in the union when it comes to air pollution, public health, education and our cost of living. “Or, as Republicans who have run this state for decades would call it — a success story that was 30 years in the making.”
Our quarrel got hotter than the daytime high. Carlos came out of his kitchen and threw ice water on us. “It’s too hot for this, amigos.”
I sneered, “Speaking of climate change, this idiot’s …“
Carlos barked, ”Enough!” The rest of the morning we all ate in silence. Finally Rosa refilled Frank’s cup and smiled sweetly. “Since your gang made all women second-class citizens you may as well take away our right to vote, Frank. That is, if they want to be around after this next election.”
Carlos pleaded. “Rosa!”
