The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer:
You think you know Tucson’s Halloween traditions? Take this terrifying quiz. If you dare.
1. “Dia de los Muertos” is _____.
A) Spanish for “Mardi Gras”
B) a community-wide memorial celebration for the dead
C) run by a skeleton crew
2. “Dust Devils” are _____.
A) malevolent Satanic whirlwinds from Hell
B) terrified of Swiffers
C) harmless
3. Tombstone’s “Boot Hill” is _____.
A) said to be the “Bermuda Triangle” of tourists
People are also reading…
B) a graveyard haunted by the ghosts of gunslingers who died with their boots on
C) where boots are free! Just bring a shovel
4. Jack O’Lanterns are _____.
A) carved pumpkins lit with candles
B) javelina feed
C) Irish
5. The holiday we celebrate this time of year in Tucson is called:
A) Day of the Dead
B) Day of the Fred
C) Day of the Dead Tired
D) Day of the Grateful Dead Heads
E) Night of the Dead Car Battery
F) Dia de los Lobos
6. A Chupacabra is _____.
A) a beast that drinks the blood of goats
B) Ford motor company’s latest hybrid sedan
C) a Sonoran relative of Bigfoot
7. The gallows at the Tombstone Courthouse are ______.
A) haunted by the condemned
B) just for show
C) a reminder of what fate awaits those who dare to enter the courthouse without paying the park entrance fee
8. On Halloween, costumed children in Tucson go from house to house saying ______.
A) “where are all the other kids?”
B) “Trick or treat”
C) “got any organic, low-fat, sugar-free, non-GMO treats?”
9. The Lost Dutchman is ______.
A) a phantom said to still be searching for a parking space by the University of Arizona
B) a legendary gold mine
C) the subject of a silver alert
10. Halloween is ______.
A) a contraction of “Hallow’s Eve”
B) a fun way to collect candy and contract diabetes
C) the time when thousands of Old Pueblo residents practice the tradition called “pretending we’re not home”
11. Gila Monsters are _____.
A) distant relatives of Godzilla (pronounced hod-zil-la)
B) the monstrous byproduct of radiation from Palo Verde nuclear plant
C) cold-blooded reptiles
D) not as cold-blooded as the reptile who pulled in front of me yesterday in traffic. Unbelievable.
12. Tucsonans are terrified of_____.
A) chupacabras
B) losing the A-10
C) La Llorona
D) driving in traffic with jackasses like the jerk who nearly hit me yesterday. You know who you are.
13. La Llorona is _____.
A) mispronounced more often than “tortilla”
B) llounger than she looks
C) a banshee who had to wait for monsoon season to drown her children
14. Tucsonans visit “Haunted Houses” _____.
A) to test the absorbency claims of underwear manufacturers
B) in hopes of finding affordable housing
C) to learn about the many uses of ketchup
15. Tucson was the location for the classic horror film _____.
A) “Cannonball Run: The Haunted Estate Sale”
B) Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Snow Birds” with Tippi Hedren
C) “Night of the Lepus”
16. “El Tiradito” is _____.
A) a shrine commemorating the site of a terrible murder
B) a romantic spot to get married, propose marriage or bludgeon your unfaithful spouse’s lover with an axe
C) Spanish for “The” Tiradito
17. At Halloween, kids here love to dress up as _____.
A) witches, devils, ghosts and vampires
B) Mark Finchem
C) the demonic clown who drove in front of me yesterday. Just so you know, I wrote down your license plate number.
18. San Xavier’s east tower was left unfinished when _____.
A) a monk working on the tower was struck by lightning
B) a mysterious fire-breathing building inspector pointed out 666 code violations
C) Spain cut the construction funding
19. Halloween is the terrifying season of _____.
A) javelina panhandling for pumpkins
B) tarantulas the size of amusement park rides
C) political ads
20. “The Thing”, west of Willcox, is a _____.
A) mummy
B) mummy with Hitler’s mustache
C) diabolical Venus Flytrap for unsuspecting travelers
21. “Doctor Scar” was _____.
A) the legendary late night TV host of a scary sixties feature called “Chiller” portrayed by the late great Jack Jacobson
B) the forerunner of the bone-chilling Doctor Oz
C) Banner hospital’s worst hire
22. In Southern Arizona, zombies can be seen _____.
A) at Old Tucson’s Halloween attraction “Nightfall”
B) driving all over town
C) behind most “help” windows at any Department of Motor Vehicles
23. On Halloween, Tucsonans may hear the haunting sound of _____.
A) coyotes howling, owls hoo-hooing and rattlers rattling
B) kids barfing after eating too much candy
C) “Get-t-t off my lawn-n-n”
24. Play it safe this Halloween by _____.
A) wearing armor
B) carrying a flashlight and pumpkin spice scented bear spray
C) avoiding the terrifying colossal man wielding an ax at Stone and Glenn
D) choosing a mask that won’t enrage an armed anti-masker
E) All of the above
Have a spooky Halloween! Here are the correct answers: 1) D, 2) C, 3) C, 4) A, 5) A, 6) A, 7) B, 8) B, 9) B, 10) A, 11) C, 12) C, 13) C, 14) B, 15) D, 16) A, 17) C, 18) C, 19) C, 20) B, 21) A, 22) A, 23) A, 24) F
