Dr. Barton Goldsmith: Talking to your BFF about your relationship troubles (and why it might not be a good idea)

Imagine this scenario: you go to your BFF to help you deal with some relationship issues you’re having with your mate. The two of you have been friends for years, and you have always been there for each other in times of stress. Yes, it does seem that this is a safe place to spill and get some support. But here is how confiding can backfire.

When we are upset, we can be a little overly dramatic and color the situation based on how we see it without recognizing our significant other’s point of view. As you bash your partner (even though you may still deeply love them), the friend who is listening to you may unconsciously take in all your pain and develop some resentment toward the person who has hurt you.

Even if your friend knows your partner, this is still your BFF — not your partner’s — which is why you chose to talk with them in the first place, right?

Now let’s project down the road a few weeks. The fight with your mate has blown over, you are back together and lovebirds once again, and the rancor has disappeared. Things are going great, and you are out having lunch with your BFF, whom you haven’t seen since the big fight.

The talk between you immediately goes to how things are. Your friend may be expecting you to be in the same place, upset and angry about your partner’s behavior, but you’re no longer there.

Suddenly, you and your friend are no longer connecting.

Unfortunately, your friend was not around for the healing and reconnecting process you did with your other half, and may not be ready to jump on the bandwagon of “My life and love are great!” Your friend has their own feelings about your partner’s behavior toward you, and is now sitting with the discomfort of how to deal with those feelings as well as incorporate your resolution and reconnection with your partner.

Your friend might not be able to be as supportive as you would like. And when you sense their inability to join you in your happiness, you may back away emotionally from them. Not good.

In my 30 years of counseling others, the above scenario is something I have heard happen many, many times. Most of us have had a similar experience at one point or another. It’s wiser to at least filter some of your feelings before sharing them with a good friend.

It’s a rare person who can give you objective feedback when you are expressing unfiltered emotional pain. And you need greater objectivity to see things appropriately.

So, be careful when venting to someone who loves you and wants to be on your side. It may seem counterintuitive, but BFFs often are not the best people to talk with about our relationship troubles.

When you and your mate hit a speed bump, slow down and think about your feelings, even write them down. It may save you from getting angry and sad. And if you need to talk to someone, I highly recommend choosing someone who can see the whole relationship, not just your side of it.