Facebook is now reposting old “memories” for us on our pages and, I have to say, it can be a nice thing. But if you see a picture of you and your ex, or a post about another loss or hard time, it can trigger difficult feelings. I know because it just happened to me. I was reminded that a year ago was the beginning of my dog’s last days, and yes, it did make me a little “misty,” as we used to say. Still I shared it with my FB Friends, and it inspired this column.
Dr. Barton Goldsmith
You see, though the memory of the loss is sad for me, I work on remembering the good times we had over the decade-plus she was with me. I feel the sadness but also the gratitude for her being in my life, and her unconditional love still lingers. I allow and sometimes make myself dwell on the good times we had, because they were as real as the loss and need to be honored, too.
I remember the day my first love died as well, and every Dec. 28, I light a candle and remember how much she gave to me and how she really turned me into the person that others can now turn to. We only had 10 years together, but they were amazing, and I treasure all the moments.
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I choose not to dwell in the past, for the most part, but some dates and reminders will trigger an emotional response — it’s only human. Still, you also can choose how to respond. Yes, the first thoughts may be of sadness, but if you allow yourself to wallow in it, you won’t get to feel the goodness that was also there. It’s actually very simple. Whenever you get caught in a moment of sadness, you simply think of at least three good things you associate with that memory. You can train yourself to do this. The truth is, if there weren’t good things, there wouldn’t be any sadness.
Feeling melancholy isn’t always bad, and I wouldn’t try to mask it. Feel your feelings, but choose to feel the happy as well as the sad ones so you can find your inner balance and move forward with your life. We all have things that make us sad; we all have lost someone or something that changed our lives, and we need to find ways to honor the circle. Blocking out the good parts of a sad memory won’t get you very far, and it will keep you from letting the best parts of your life back in for a moment or two.
It’s OK to feel sad for a little while, but if it goes on for more than a couple of weeks, you should get yourself checked out. Old memories will sometimes trigger a depression, so keep an eye on yourself.
One of the reasons I went into this field is because I have a lot of feelings. Learning what they mean, and not letting them get the best of me, makes my life better. A little understanding, and cultivating the ability to choose when to express your deeper emotions, can make your world a beautiful place to be. It’s not about what we’ve lost but about what we get to experience.
Dr. Barton Goldsmith, an award-winning Los Angeles-based psychotherapist, writer and keynote speaker, can be reached via e-mail at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com.
