Dr. Barton Goldsmith: Being correctly selfish

There will be times when people you care about need your help. Sometimes people you hardly know will ask, too. If you’re a soft touch like me, then you’re likely to give your last $20 to whoever asks for it first. However, if you have kids to feed, bills to pay and are barely getting by, you have to learn to say, “Sorry, wish I could help, but I have my own obligations right now.”

Loaning money to friends is risky. You easily can lose a friendship if something goes wrong in the payback process. My preference is to give money to those who ask politely, but only a percentage of what they ask for. For example, if my friend needs $100, I’ll say, “Here’s $25, and it’s a gift. Now you just need to find three more people to get what you need.” This way, I’m not turning them down. I’m just putting limitations on the gift.

The other thing you may need to be more selfish with is your time. I am very willing to give my time to those who could benefit from it, but sometimes people just want anyone to listen, which can be very draining.

As a therapist, I listen to people all day, and often I spend more time with them than they have paid me for. I also take phone calls from clients and mostly don’t charge for them. However, I usually give only a few minutes on the phone to keep it under control. Setting an expectation at the outset helps the other person accept your boundaries. I usually say something like “I can give you a few minutes” when I answer the phone.

You can use the same technique with friends and family by simply setting a time limit at the start of the conversation if you need to. Most all of us have busy lives, but we still want to feel the connection with those we care about. Phone calls and texting seem to be what takes up most of our human interaction these days. If I’m spending an hour or more with someone, I want it to be in person, not on the phone.

Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you are being a bad person. Indeed, it’s quite the opposite. Once you have rallied the forces within yourself, you will have the strength to be the giving person you want to be.

One final note: most of the time, the reason we are not out there helping others is because we are too busy helping ourselves. There’s a fine line between taking care of yourself and being just plain selfish. When you get too wrapped up in yourself, you become a very small package. Open up, and the gifts you get from giving are better than anything you could get for yourself.