Every now and then, we may unknowingly allow someone into our lives who does not have the best of intentions. They may put on a good act for a very long time. But once they have gotten what they want or see a way to gain advantage in the world — even if it means stepping on you — they will take it, and all you will see is a stack of bills left behind in the dust.
Dr. Barton Goldsmith
If this has happened to you, please accept my sympathy. These kinds of traumas change lives, sometimes forever. However, there is always a way to create a normal future. After you’ve picked yourself up — and recognized that you have the power to choose differently the next time round — you can take steps to never make the same mistake.
Many people are attracted to a certain type. If you find that a certain type of person always breaks your heart and leaves you broke, then you need to make a change. Sounds simple, but old habits are hard to put to rest. It’s hard to change what you are attracted to, and many people who’ve been hurt again and again just give up on love. While not the best of choices, this is a safe option, and sometimes feeling protected is better than being in a relationship. You need to take care of yourself.
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If you have brought more than one person into your life who has hurt you, and you still see that type of person as attractive, you may want to question your own judgment. Caring friends may be the best place to turn to if your heart is broken and your head won’t let go. They can hopefully talk you out of repeating the same pattern and may keep you entertained in the process.
Wanting love in your life is normal. So is returning to something familiar, which is why so many people keep coming back to abusive relationships. No, the devil you know is not better than the one you don’t — they are both awful. What you may need to do is take a break from dating and relationships for a little while. See what other things you can invest your time in and find something that fills your heart.
When you inadvertently draw the wrong kind of person into your life, it’s better to end things sooner than later. Don’t try to smooth over what happened with texts, talks or emails, but just let it go. Responding will only keep the unbalanced person around. Lastly, if they persist, please let friends or family know, so those who care about you can make sure you are OK. And if you feel threatened, you should speak to law enforcement. You will live through this difficult time, but if you let things get out of hand, it can suck years out of your life.
Dr. Barton Goldsmith, an award-winning Los Angeles-based psychotherapist, writer and keynote speaker, can be reached via e-mail at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com.
